Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Widow Wednesday--Feeling Guilty

Toward the beginning of summer, my parents decided I needed a break. My Dad said he would stay and help Ray and my Mom would take the girls and I down to Kentucky for a few days to visit my cousins. 

I was hesitant to go because I felt bad leaving him. I felt guilt the whole time he was sick...why wasn't it me? Why did he have to be the one sick? I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me, I wasn't sick, he was the one that needed the attention and the concern. I felt guilty leaving him while he was sick to "have fun" or "get a break". Was it really a break? I mean I wasn't there physically, but my mind was constantly on him and how he was doing. 

If you are a Real Housewives of Orange County fan you may remember when Gretchen was thrown under the bus for going away on a trip while her fiancé was dying of cancer. I fully understood why she would have gone and how unless you are in that situation you have no idea what it is like to be in that spot. I think anyone that is in a caregiving position needs a break because it is so hard both mentally and emotionally.  You are never not around "sickness" and it begins to take its toll. 

When we were almost to Kentucky I got a call that they had to take Ray to the hospital because he wasn't feeling good. I was so upset. I knew I shouldn't have left. I felt the worst guilt. Why did I agree to go? I should be there. My Dad reassured me that there was nothing I could do that they couldn't, he was in good care and would be fine till we got back home. I, of course, tried to have fun and what should have been a break just left me wanting to be home and checking on him to make sure he was ok. 

When we returned home he was had been fine. One thing I learned was that I had to take care of myself too. I had to be strong for not only me, but also the girls. 

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