Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Widow Wednesday- Preparedness

I have seen a lot of talk about preparedness the past week after the crazy weather the US has experienced, particularly Texas. What exactly does this mean though? Especially in a loss sense. 

Can you ever really be prepared? 

In the case of losing my spouse I don't think I could have ever have been prepared. I have watched friends lose spouses suddenly and know that they are even less prepared. You never think to yourself that you will lose your spouse, especially at 30. 

The argument is you have time when the person is ill to prepare, but by preparing are you giving up hope? That is how my spouse thought of it. In the end a lot was not taken care of because he felt it was giving up to do the necessary things. I was left without knowledge of where a lot of things were. I never paid a bill while he was alive, accessed any accounts, even something as simple as put gas in my car. 

Emotionally, you know you will have to live without that person but you still don't know what that will be like until they are gone and you now don't have that person to lean on anymore. 

Would I do things differently now and be more prepared? I think so. A lot was made harder by not being prepared. Sometimes the hard conversations that you don't want to have need to be had and stuff that is put off needs to be taken care of. 

Waiting until it is too late or things do happen is not the time to wish you had prepared.

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

New Year

I haven't blogged much in the past year and I miss it. I started this as a way to share many things and even though I felt I had more time this past year, I had less. I was able to accomplish so much in my house over this past year though and hope to be able to share some of it. 

I so often had ideas for posts in my mind and then never got around to actually typing them out. This year I hope to make blogging my thing again. When I started my blog I didn't necessarily "plan out" my posts like a lot of bloggers do. I didn't keep a calendar so I wasn't constantly sharing the same stuff on my posts. For some strange reason I haven't wanted to go back and reread my posts either. Maybe I don't want to relive some of what I shared!? I am not sure but regardless I feel it is time so I don't keep sharing the same stuff. 

I also felt with covid some of what I was sharing might not be relevant or might be insensitive, ie sales and outfit posts. Even though it seemed people were buying online more than ever, I didn't feel it was the right thing to post. I know for some scrolling online is an escape and some bloggers used that as their reason to continue, I felt differently and chose to take a break. 

Even though half of this year was spent in lockdown I felt it flew by. This was the first time I can remember in a long time that I wasn't "running". No school, no sports, no photoshoots, no visiting relatives, we didn't leave the house. I spent a few weeks just reading and relaxing and it felt so good. After I was recharged I started on my projects. I did share my kitchen remodel on here in a blog post. 

I had two totally different experiences as far as at-home school and return to school was concerned with covid. I still have one daughter fully remote. I know I have shared a lot about my fight with their dyslexia on here. Maybe I will highlight this as an upcoming post. 

I have spent this year finally clearing things out. It only took 10 years, but I have finally started throwing things away and changing things. I have found I hoard things in case something happens or I need it one day. I have dresses that I kept because I had a photo of myself in it with Ray that I wouldn't get rid of. I have come to realize those things won't bring him back and the memory will still be there even if I get rid of the dress that I never wear. 

This year was hard because I lost my godmother, my aunt to cancer. She fought and battled for the last couple of years with it continuing to return in different ways. I didn't post anything on any social media about the loss but it was extremely difficult. My mom had asked if I wanted to see her when she was in hospice and I couldn't see her like that. Even while she was extremely sick and fighting cancer herself she sent the girls and I a card thinking of us on Ray's 10th anniversary. Not a holiday went by without her sending a card. She was the most thoughtful person and we spent our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without receiving those special cards from her and missing her. We couldn't even be together as a family as we normally would on the holidays. She will be greatly missed by me, she was always laughing, and had something to show me. 

The start of 2020 I thought might mean a better decade than the last. As I started 2010 with a husband dying of cancer. I also celebrated my 40th birthday this year. I wasn't expecting to be in the middle of a a pandemic and "stuck at home". 

I really hope in this new year I can continue to evolve and be more true to myself.  I hope to continue making our house more us. I hope that eventually we can venture out again and travel. I hope that my blog becomes a more regular spot for me to share again.