Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Widow Wednesday---Still not over

The days following, I just wanted over with. I hate being in crowds of people that I know. I am very anxious and even for our wedding I chose a private, immediate family only ceremony and a reception for all afterwards and that was only because that is what others wanted. I hate any type of attention or showing any feelings in public. I am a pretty private person when it comes to those things.

I remember lots of visitors showing up dropping off food and sympathy gifts/cards and offering to help. It was well received since everyone was at my house trying to put together photo boards and funeral stuff. I remember being very hands off and not wanting to deal with any of it. I just wanted it all over and to go away and be alone.

Looking back, as a private person, I needed that time to take it all in and grieve and with so many around I wasn't able to. Instead, I did nothing.

We decided to hold off for a few days to do services since people were traveling in to make them. I remember going to the mall and buying shoes because I knew I would be on my feet a lot and didn't have any comfortable dress shoes. I remember using it as an excuse to get away and do something normal. Even that experience wasn't normal having to explain to the salesperson what I was looking for and why.

I spent the next few days taking more anxiety meds than I had during the entire illness. I was truly trying to get through the days showing as little emotion as I could. I remember calling my next door neighbor the wrong name! I was so embarrassed after but I truly was just existing at this point.

How do you act at your husband's funeral? I had 2 young children that were also running around and not really understanding what was going on. There is no manual for this. If I had to talk too much I knew I would lose it and that wasn't an option. I plastered a smile on my face and walked around. I remember a few things happening during the viewing that I felt Ray's presence and put a smile on my face because I knew he too was laughing.

You also never really know how many people you have touched till you die and it is too late. He had students make their parents drive from Detroit to be there, co-workers, friends, old teachers, coaches, you name it and each with a story. Still to this day I have people reach out to me to share things. Old students of his find me on facebook to tell me how he impacted their life. It really means a lot to see and hear how he impacted so many people.

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