Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Widow Wednesday-- Finally a diagnosis

I will never forget where I was at, what I was doing, or the feeling I got during the phone call. It was Christmas Eve 2009 and I was sitting in Summer's bedroom while her and Lily were playing dollhouse. They were 1 and 2 at the time. We were taking a break from preparing for hosting Christmas Eve dinner that night. I just remember him saying, "They found something and it isn't good, but I don't want to ruin your Christmas." Ruin my Christmas? I am pretty sure it was already ruined he was in the hospital missing Christmas, that by itself had already ruined my favorite time of the year.

I just remember sitting there on the floor, against the closet doors crying while watching the girls play. They both came over and were hugging me because they knew something was wrong. How was I going to get through a house full of people knowing something was wrong? How could I not just run to the hospital to be with him? It was so unfair that he was alone in the hospital on Christmas Eve. I remember just telling myself I had to pull it together. I don't like to show my feelings in front of people or talk about them so I knew I had to just act like everything was ok or I would lose it. How I made it through that day, I will never know. I remember at the end of the night all the guys going up to the hospital to visit him, none of us knowing that would be his last Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day I took the girls to see him. I still cry at the memory of that day. Santa came and brought 1 big gift and left a note that the rest would come when Daddy felt better. Little did I know Daddy would never feel better. The girls not understanding what was really going on. All the pictures of the girls with their Daddy on his last Christmas are in the hospital. I have struggled with this time of the year ever since.

The official diagnosis didn't come for a few days later. We met with the doctors and were told it was Stage 4 stomach cancer. I just remember not really believing it. There had to be something they could do. He was young and healthy. Why? How? He had been in the hospital so many times they had to be wrong. How did they miss this? He was determined he was going to fight it.


  1. I've followed you ever since What to Expect June 2008 babies. Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing your story ❤

    1. Thanks Lisa! I think it has been therapeutic for me and hopefully will help others.