Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Widow Wednesday--The best advice given to me

After Ray was diagnosed and we talked with the doctors the next few days were a blur. He decided he was going to fight even though his prognosis wasn't good and it would only prolong his life we were told. So appointments were scheduled and things started to move along. In all of this, it was always a waiting game. We were told he couldn't be seen at Karmano's for a few weeks. The anxiety of all the waiting and not knowing was always terrible. With some help he was able to be seen much quicker. Beaumont told us he could go home if they weren't going to treat him but first they were going to put a port in. A port for anyone that doesn't know is a small plastic like round disk that is surgically placed under the skin that connects to a vein so that chemo and blood draws can be done through it.

I was very unprepared for what life was going to be like. The girls were staying at my parents since there was so much back and forth to the hospital. They were my daily routine and now they weren't home. I couldn't eat. I felt nauseous constantly and couldn't even think of food. I felt like I was floating. I lost 5 lbs in a few days. I insisted on getting a job...I mean how would we survive and live? I was angry because I had quit my job that I loved to be at home even though I didn't want to at the time. I wanted to work one day a week and at this point all I could think was how I would have a job to go to if I had. Mainly though, how were we going to go on without him? Thoughts of who would walk my girls down the aisle played through my mind as if it was happening tomorrow and everything else he was going to miss and we were going to miss. I was constantly on the verge of tears.

Ray came home from the hospital for a night to go back early the next morning for his port. When he came home I didn't know how to act around him. He was sick...what do I do? What do I say? How do I help him? I went to sleep next to him and felt anxiety like I had never felt. Would I hurt him sleeping next to him? Looking back this was so crazy to think but I don't think I could think at this point. I ended up going into my closet and sitting on the floor and trying to calm myself down. Over and over all I could think was why didn't they find this sooner? We did everything we were supposed to do. My heart was beating so fast I felt like I was going to have a heartache. I knew from being a counselor it was anxiety and I knew what to do...I mean I taught this to people! After about a 1/2 hr I was only getting worse and now I was angry because I couldn't calm down and was also in tears. I called my parents and asked them to take me to the urgent care.

My Dad picked me up and gave me the best advice anyone did the entire time, "You can't change the past, you can only focus on the future. Nothing you do will change what has happened." I constantly had to remind myself of that the entire time and still now till this day.

They ended up running a bunch of tests and like I thought, it was just anxiety. I was so embarrassed, I was trained on how to help people with this and I couldn't even help myself. I was prescribed the lowest dose of an anxiety med and sent on my way into my new way of life for the next 8 months.

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