Widow Wednesday-- Finally a diagnosis

I will never forget where I was at, what I was doing, or the feeling I got during the phone call. It was Christmas Eve 2009 and I was sitting in Summer's bedroom while her and Lily were playing dollhouse. They were 1 and 2 at the time. We were taking a break from preparing for hosting Christmas Eve dinner that night. I just remember him saying, "They found something and it isn't good, but I don't want to ruin your Christmas." Ruin my Christmas? I am pretty sure it was already ruined he was in the hospital missing Christmas, that by itself had already ruined my favorite time of the year.

I just remember sitting there on the floor, against the closet doors crying while watching the girls play. They both came over and were hugging me because they knew something was wrong. How was I going to get through a house full of people knowing something was wrong? How could I not just run to the hospital to be with him? It was so unfair that he was alone in the hospital on Christmas Eve. I remember just telling myself I had to pull it together. I don't like to show my feelings in front of people or talk about them so I knew I had to just act like everything was ok or I would lose it. How I made it through that day, I will never know. I remember at the end of the night all the guys going up to the hospital to visit him, none of us knowing that would be his last Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day I took the girls to see him. I still cry at the memory of that day. Santa came and brought 1 big gift and left a note that the rest would come when Daddy felt better. Little did I know Daddy would never feel better. The girls not understanding what was really going on. All the pictures of the girls with their Daddy on his last Christmas are in the hospital. I have struggled with this time of the year ever since.

The official diagnosis didn't come for a few days later. We met with the doctors and were told it was Stage 4 stomach cancer. I just remember not really believing it. There had to be something they could do. He was young and healthy. Why? How? He had been in the hospital so many times they had to be wrong. How did they miss this? He was determined he was going to fight it.

Easy outfit idea

Velvet Jacket//Layering Tank//Black Denim//Black Booties

On most days I like easy outfits. I like to look put together but comfortable and without a lot of effort. This outfit fits the bill. This jacket just screams fall to me in this yellow velvet. I love the little added details of the bell sleeves and tie waist. I think I could easily throw this over a lot of other outfits. 

The tank and jeans are both from Nordstrom Rack. These jeans are my absolute favorite, I own them in black, white, and blue. They are stretchy, high waisted, and super comfortable. I have a hard time finding jeans that are short enough and these are just perfect length. I buy a lot of my everyday items from Nordstrom Rack. The quality is usually good, but without a steep price tag. 

Can I just talk about Target for a minute? I mean I love Target...who doesn't? I don't normally shop for myself there though, but lately that has changed. I have been finding so many great items at such good prices. Add in cartwheel or a sale and it seems like a steal. Since they have added these new designer lines I have been finding so many great things. I picked up these booties and they go with everything. They are super comfortable and just the right height. 

After we were done shooting these blog photos and I noticed something on top of the electrical box next to me. I had to stand on my toes to even see what it was and I found these. To most people this wouldn't mean anything, but these were Ray's favorite Halloween candy. When we would go buy candy he would make sure we bought these to hand out so if we had extra he could eat them. I will do a whole post on signs, but I just wanted to add this to today's post because I feel that these couldn't have been placed here for any other reason. This street is even off the main street and we were the only people on it at the time. I have received a few since starting the blog and will share, but want to dedicate a whole post so for now I will just share this one. 

Transitional Outfit for fall

Leopard Playsuit//Boots (old, linked similar) //Wallet Clutch//Earrings & Glasses (Forever 21)

Fall is so hard to dress for...anyone else feel this way? I mean cool in the morning, cool in the evening, hot during the day or one day cold and the next warm. I love wearing playsuits for these days. They can be dressed up or dressed down and layered to add warmth. I could think of so many different ways to style this. Plus, I am obsessed with leopard and the floral print with it....um, yes add to cart!

This could easily be worn with tights under it and a fur vest to make it a little warmer. It could also be worn with booties if you aren't a fan of knee high boots. If it is a warmer day even a pair of sandals would be cute and make it a comfy outfit. I added a pop of color with my sunglasses and wallet but it could even be added by wearing a cute pair of pink booties. 

I bought the wallet to match a purse before traveling this summer and just can't seem to switch back to a normal wallet. I absolutely love this wallet. It comes in 35 colors and is just the right size. It is also cute enough to be carried as a clutch. 

I am going to link a few more playsuits that I have in wishlists if you are looking for other ideas. 

Red playsuit//Leopard playsuit//Black & White Playsuit//Floral Playsuit

Widow Wednesday--The story from the beginning

Ray was the football player in high school, his Dad described him as "rough and rugged". He was a middle school math teacher in Detroit, doing what he loved...helping kids. He felt connected to this population, he felt they were a lot like him. A lot of the kids needed extra help or some tough love and he was a perfect teacher. When he wasn't teaching he was maintaining his Dad's properties. Between the two jobs he was always working and planning for the future. Lazy was not a word in his vocabulary. He was dedicated to work never missing time. 

In the summer of 2009, we decided to take a trip to Vegas. It was our first time leaving the girls and doing something for us. I had a really tough time deciding to book this trip. We had talked about doing something multiple times and before I would click "book" I would stop and cancel it. We did everything with them. While on the trip he kept complaining of his stomach hurting and going in the bathroom and coming out without going. This was the first symptoms that I can remember. 

That fall he went with my Dad to all the Michigan football home games. They would tailgate all day and then go to the game. Ray would bring a bottle of Pepto Bismol to every game and down the whole thing. At this point even my parents were noticing something wasn't right. 

He started to miss a few days of work here and there, which was completely unheard of for him. He was starting to have the stomachaches all the time with no relief. He was eating less and less. As a teacher, he was required a check up every year and to maintain his shots. He was always good about going to the doctors and wasn't someone to shy away. He decided to make an appt to see the doctor and talk about how he always had a stomachache. 

Our primary care physician gave him a referral to the GI doctor because she agreed his symptoms warranted a visit to a specialist. The GI doctor ordered a colonoscopy and told us he thought he just had IBS. So away he went with a script for the colonoscopy and meds for IBS. 

After the colonoscopy was preformed, the doctor came out and told us everything went well and he didn't see anything abnormal and to follow-up with GI doctor as needed. I was so relieved by the news, until he couldn't even get out of the bed because he was in so much pain. I watched as 80 yr old people around him got up and walked out. My tough, never complaining husband had tears in his eyes. They kept reassuring us it was the gas they pumped into him and he just needed to relieve the gas it was causing pressure. After waiting a while they wheeled him to the car even though he was still in just as much pain. After we returned home he was white as a ghost and now running a fever. We knew something wasn't right. He called the number back to the clinic and they told us the same thing they did when we were there...relieve gas. This just didn't seem right, so we called our primary care physician and she agreed, this wasn't right. He shouldn't be running a fever and needed to go to the ER. 

This was the first of many ER visits over the next month or so. They kept him overnight for observation and sent him home to follow-up with the GI doctor. We made another appt. to see the GI doctor and were seen by his assistant again that just upped the meds. 

At this point he was losing weight, but his midsection was getting bigger. He was actually measuring it with a measuring tape. He had no energy, and was barely eating. I was eating more than he was. He was also running fevers on and off almost daily. One night he was changing a light in our foyer and became so weak and pale he had to sit down. 

Thanksgiving came and he barely ate. Anyone that knew Ray knew this wasn't normal. A few days later his pain again was so bad he asked me to take him to the urgent care. The urgent care doctor did a few tests and determined it was his appendix. They prepped him for surgery and sent him to the nearest hospital for the surgery. When he arrived at that hospital we were told the doctor read the reports and it wasn't appendix. They were going to keep him for observation. The next morning he was discharged again with a follow-up with the primary care doctor. 

We were frustrated and without answers. It was now a few days before Christmas. Again we were at our primary care physician's office and she was as frustrated as we were. She told us because of it so close to the holiday the specialists were all on vacation so her only option was again to have him admitted to the hospital and to write to not leave without a diagnosis. This was the only way to be seen by a specialist. She called the hospital to let them know we were on the way. 

Halloween Costume Reveal!

I was torn if I wanted to share before Halloween, but then thought maybe others are looking for inspiration. Every year the girls have an idea about what they want to be a whole year ahead. Some years they have coordinated costumes to match a theme, others they just picked out a costume. The years that they have coordinated we rotated who got to pick the theme to be fair.

This year was a little different. Lily had decided she wanted to be Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl character) and Summer a bank robber. They told my brother over lunch one day, and he told them they always have cool costumes they needed to up their game! Thanks Uncle Mike, guess who has to put the time into these "cool" costumes!? After much thought and some pinteresting by Summer, they decided on the Grinch and an Elf on the Shelf.

For the Grinch we ordered a Santa jacket and bought the hat and mask. We ran to Joanns to buy green fur and I sewed the pants, gloves, elf shoes, and attached all the fur to the mask and hat. Green fur was all over our house till it was completed...what a mess...but so worth it!

The Elf on the Shelf we pulled inspiration from pinterest to put the costume together. I bought her leggings and a red shirt and sewed her the white skirt, shoe covers, and gloves by making up my own patterns. The Elf on the Shelf website had a tutorial for making the collar. I ordered a cardboard fireplace online and after putting it together staple gunned wood to the bottom and added wheels for it to move. We bought dollar store decorations to add to the fireplace. The tights are stuffed with batting to look like legs. It was worth all the work when it was done because Summer is thrilled with her costume.

I decided to add a few other pictures to this post of costumes they have worn in the past just for fun!

Last year in a homemade Cousin It and Wednesday costume

 Lily's favorite Disney character...Alice! Summer rocked the Mad Hatter, she has the perfect hair for it.

What happened to Old Navy selling cute, warm costumes? These were a go-to for us when they were little!

Thanks to my cousin for letting us borrow the Dorothy costume that she had sewn many years before!

Can you tell someone loves the Grinch? I have been told Lily comes up in searches for Cindy Lou Who online! We put her whole costume together by scouring the internet for pieces that looked like what she wore in the movie. She even won a costume contest from the company we ordered the wig from. My little Summer was an adorable chef in her dance costume from the year before. 

Widow Wednesday--Single parenting a child with a learning disability

This again touches on something that is a bit personal and has been a struggle for us. A struggle because it impacts my girls, but also if effects me and parenting. I wanted to share this because October is Dyslexia Awareness Month. Ray had dyslexia and it runs in his family, so it had been on my radar as something that the girls could have. Although he was a math teacher, school had been tough for him. He excelled in math, but the rest was a struggle. I, on the other hand, have always been an excellent reader and have always enjoyed reading. I never understood how he couldn't just do it. I mean don't you just look at the word and sound it out?

Lily was speaking in sentences at 15 months and constantly bringing us books to read to her. I thought she was going to be just like me. As she got a little older she would stutter...how could a kid that was talking in sentences at 15 months stutter? She had difficulty counting, with shapes, and her A,B,C's. When she entered Kindergarten letters weren't within the lines and backward. On occasion, she would even write from right to left. Then came the first conference, she was slow in reading and writing and she couldn't rhyme. The teacher asked for me to continue working with her and suggested tutoring. Of course! Anything to help! I was frustrated at this point because I was a tutor! How can my own child not be learning and be having so many difficulties. I immediately put her into tutoring with a specialist. At the end of the year I asked if I should retain her and was told no. A lot of this was normal and kids develop at different rates. As school progressed she seemed more and more behind. Her testing was where she was supposed to be for grade level on state tests. I questioned this...how is my child doing well on these and struggling so bad? I kept her in the tutoring and working with her at home. It was exhausting. She was frustrated, I was frustrated. I continued hearing, just work with her more. How much more?! She would tell me she didn't feel good every morning because she didn't want to go to school. My heart was breaking for her. This continued year after year. Every year I brought up dyslexia and every year I felt like the teachers were looking at me like I was crazy. Being a single mom I already felt at a disadvantage because I didn't have anyone to discuss this with. I didn't have another parent to fight the fight with me. To make me NOT feel crazy and like maybe I didn't know what I am talking about. I also didn't have the parent that had struggled with this and could help me understand.

Finally I had had enough. I knew what was happening wasn't "normal". I never went through school like this. I also knew dyslexia was probably the cause. I had gone to school for school counseling and never did I learn about dyslexia. Why? I finally decided to dedicate time to understand dyslexia and what it really is. Anyone that knows me knows I throw my heart and soul into doing something if it is something that interests me or I think is important. I want to know and learn everything about it. I spent months researching and reading books. Looking up articles and trying to understand. Things that I didn't even think could be related to dyslexia were finally explained. My child not knowing left from right, days of the week, yesterday and tomorrow, getting lost, saying words wrong after constantly being corrected, rhyming, stuttering, the list goes on and on. Reading about dyslexia was like reading about Lily. From dyslexia I learned about dyscalculia and this explained her even more. I also learned why the school would never pursue it and kept pushing it off...they didn't want to deal with it and it is listed as a medical condition so they don't have to. They won't even test for it in the State of Michigan. I would need to do a private neuropsych test to confirm what I already knew probably costing in the thousands of dollars. Most schools aren't equipped or providing services that are even appropriate. I realized that unless I helped her she wouldn't get help. I researched what would help and discovered the Barton Reading Program an Orton Gillingham based program. We started it right away and within a short time I was seeing improvements. Years and thousands of dollars in tutoring later and finally something was working. To think if someone would have put us on this path in the beginning maybe I wouldn't have a child that hates school and would be farther ahead.

I had a teacher during this time that agreed with me (first time) and understood my frustrations. She fought for help in the school. For the first time I didn't feel alone. I had her tested for learning disabilities and she didn't qualify for services...she didn't even come close to qualifying or being at a level she could be retested. Even to get the initial testing was a fight. They tried to just "accommodate" in the classroom and observe her. I sat in the meeting by myself with the panel of school professionals and explained dyslexia while they all just kind of looked at me.  Again I was questioning myself. Is there a downfall to this? Am I wrong about this? Again I was feeling alone. She was now in the bottom percent in state testing. This was also explained through my research, many kids are at the top when they enter school because the computer reads the problems to them and as they get older they have to read it. Most of these kids are intelligent and can answer if it is read to them. This was also the answer I received year after year of asking if holding her back would help, she is smart and would be bored. With the constant pursue from her teacher and her state scores the school finally tested her for a specific learning disability...reading...and she qualified. She is finally receiving services at school and at home. The child who hated reading read 40 pages in a book to me last night.

As a parent it is so hard to watch your child struggle, but as a single parent you don't have the other person willing to fight for your child just as hard as you. You don't have the help when they are frustrated and you are frustrated because they are frustrated. You don't have that shoulder to cry on when you are watching your child constantly feel beat down and have to go someplace day after day that they hate and feel like a failure at. I do know though, that I feel that much more pride, that I didn't give up and continued to fight for what I knew was right. Sometimes I think why can't something be easy, but then I think it is because I can handle it.

Takeover Tuesday--kid's edition

Sweater (sold out...linked another option)//Pants//Shoes//Hat

Lily is my little fashionista. She loves shopping and fashion and doesn't want anything anyone else has. When shopping for her I look for trendier pieces at stores that aren't as often shopped. The stores she tends to like are usually pricier so I usually wait for a sale or a discount code. 

This little lady loves to "add to cart" and when I go online I get to see everything she added. My brother recently thought we were getting a dog because my cart always has dog items in it. She has her stores that she loves to go on and look or shop at. These are some of the items she had added to cart. The pants scream fall to me and Thanksgiving. I thought they would be perfect paired with many things for fall. I also have a love for yellow and orange so when she asked for the shoes I couldn't help but add them to the cart and wait for a discount code. The shoes actually come in multiple different colors now. River Island is one of her go to stores for funky shoes. They also carry extremely trendy clothes. The fuzzy sweater was an end of the season sale find on River Island. Lily also loves to accessorize and added the hat to pull it all together.