Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Widow Wednesday--Final Day

The final day started like any other. Since the fever, he had been in and out of it. Sometimes talking a little crazy, but most of the time still there and even getting out of bed to use the bathroom and shower.

One of the things they don't tell you is if you buy burial spots etc before death, it is cheaper than to do it after. My Dad had decided it was probably best if I went and finalized details since we could tell the end was near. He had gone with other family members to look at funeral homes and cemeteries but wanted me to make the final decisions.

Making these decisions is so hard because you don't want to be making them at all. We started at the funeral home and I had to finalize casket details etc. Then we moved onto the cemetery. I had never known till I Ray, he wanted to be buried in the wall and not the ground. I am glad he chose this because going to visit with the girls so little, has made it more bearable to be indoors especially in the winter. Even deciding on this detail there are so many options. Which building, what floor, what height, where in the building, room for 1 or 2 caskets? Who knew there were so many options?

I had a lady from the cemetery drive me to the building and decide on a place. I chose a spot overlooking the library and park because he loved kids and I knew he would want to be facing those things. The girls also know exactly where he is from the outside and whenever we drive by they wave and throw kisses to him. When we returned to the main office to sign papers and finalize details I will never forget what the lady said to me, she asked if I wanted a single or double casket space and then followed it up with well you are young and pretty so you never know where life will lead you so a single is probably best. I will never forgot those words. I know in her mind she probably thought it might make me feel better, but nothing matters when you are burying the love of your life. You aren't thinking of anything but your future slowly fading away. It was one of the worst things I remember hearing while he was sick.

As I was signing on the line to finalize the details my phone was ringing and it was Ray's brother Samy. My Dad was like you should probably answer and he all he said was you should probably get home. I knew at that point he had probably died. Instead of breaking into tears I almost smiled because if anyone knew Ray they knew he would save a buck whenever he could and he literally waited till I was signing on the line to die. One of my greatest fears was being there when he died. I absolutely didn't want to be around when it happened. I almost felt like he waited for me to be out of the house and saving a buck.

When I returned home his whole family was there and they had already taken all the tubes out of him and cleaned him all up. He finally looked at peace for the first time. I remember being so incredibly sad but at the same time at peace that he finally wasn't suffering anymore. All those tubes, and medication, and being all skin and bones laying in that bed day in and day out. After I said my good byes the funeral home took his body away.

The hospice came in and took away the bed and machines and my mom had a friend's son that owns a carpet cleaning company clean all the carpet. The next day everything was set back up in the room as if nothing had ever happened. It was eerily quiet, but for the first time in months I was able to relax without worrying when he was going to die.

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