Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Widow Wednesday--What life is like when you hear it is terminal (at least for me)

When I heard the words terminal, was when Ray died to me. Life after that diagnosis was never the same. He was never the same person after that. He didn't want to believe it was true and that he could beat it. I tried to stay positive as I watched him get sicker and sicker.

My one-time big broad husband, was now skinnier and weighed less than I did. He was able to do less and less. He went from trying to at least live somewhat normal to sleeping all day.

The day he was diagnosed was the day he died to me. I still mourn that day more than I think I do his actual day he died. After that day we were just waiting for him to die in my eyes. Time stood still. Everyday was the same. Living in a sick world with no escape and all our hopes and dreams going with it. It is such a helpless feeling to be around someone that you know is dying. You can never do enough, you can't save them. I felt guilty for crying and telling him all my fears of losing him and living without him. I wasn't the one dying he shouldn't be burdened by my feelings. It was hard not to cry though when you watch someone be that sick and nothing is helping. The only thing that will help is finally dying and being at peace.

Since he didn't want to admit he was getting sicker and sicker he tried to still maintain doing the things he had always done. He didn't want me to handle any of the bills or banking. He continued to talk about the future and how his biggest regret was working too much. He wasn't going to work so much and would cry over it. How he finally realized that it wasn't worth it like I had always told him. That was our one argument we would have...that he was always working. He continued to talk about the future and how when he was better he wanted to take a trip.

It wasn't until he was on hospice did he finally admit he wasn't getting better. He tried during that time to show me all his online codes, switch bank accounts, etc. I hear some people say that it is better to know someone is dying because you have time to tell each other everything. That isn't always true because talking about it makes it real and he wasn't accepting it and I didn't want him to think I was giving up on him either. It wasn't till the very end did we talk and it was very little. He had little energy to even talk. He told me things about who he wanted our daughters around in his family and his wishes regarding their upbringing. He also told me he never wanted me to be like my Grandma and stay single the rest of my life because he knew I would and just focus on the girls. He said I deserved happiness again. I just wish some of what he did tell me he told others and I wasn't supposed to be the person to relay his wishes. I still haven't told people what he has said because it would hurt feelings. Being a widow you are left with so much more than just the loss.

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